I don't know how many times in my whole mother stage (28 - 52 years is the mother stage) I have stopped and started looking after myself.
And I had similar stop start entry when I was in my maiden (14 years to 28)
In fact right at the end of my maiden I did something major and started a huge health journey.
But it was sincerely plagued with others pre mediated disordered eating.
I was trained by a trainer for nearly four years who placed an ideal onto me that I felt I could never live up too. Yet, I continually put my faith in her as I was never schooled in any part of my life to have full autonomy over my body.
It had been a similar experience I had when I first learnt my menarche. I had sent away for a freebie offer in Dolly ( a popular magazine girls would read) and in return I received a free make up bag with period products in there. I had no idea how to use the tampons and much like my health - was scared to do anything different so used pads. I stuck to that brand of pads for over ten years!
And as I journey back into understanding the deep attachment I have with shame and inner abandonment to my body - the pattern that keeps coming up over and over again in my inner menstrual cycle - that it is safe for me to take a small step every day and have autonomy over my self care - but I can not abandon myself anymore and must implement things that I want for myself versus what is best for my family all the time and for others over really looking after myself.
It is the deep understanding and unpacking of my own inner abandonment that has resurfaced in each stage of my cycle. I have noticed now that I am shifting away from some big held deep seated beliefs in my motherhood stage (fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of acceptance) that I hear that call of all the versions of me.
To unpack this has been SOOOOOOOO much.
In my spring ( days 6-11 in most inner cycles) I have seen how the maiden calls out to me. She asks me to heal the incessant anxiety that has been worn as a shield. The one that followed me into motherhood. The maiden asks me to flair into my individual self and to reclaim my body and youthfulness spirit again and asks me to be seen. In my inner maiden years - I was known to love to go and dance by myself, to listen to music that had a uniqueness and darkness all curled into one and to be vibrant and not afraid to stand in front of others. My maiden taught me to lay into what intimacy is and that being so outwardly also does not mean I need to hold space for all but that I need to most importantly hold space with meaning. So every time I enter into this cycle - I hear the call of the maiden and what she wants to offer to heal again and again. And it's with some final grace - that the mornings are starting to lift with that deep feeling of panic as well as the anxiety as I take the mornings now by the balls .. . . . . . and use dancing and movement to free the neural pathways of the deep inner critic and train my brain for new thoughts, new patterns and new neural pathways. This isn't always easy you see because I keep being lured into the comfortable . . . . . . the known . . . . . . the less scary place - the one that disconnects from my physical body and numbs out and enters to inner abandonment.
Inner abandonment has been the creed of my mother and her mother before me . . . . .and perhaps even her mother before that too. As I have connected the constellations together of my generational lineage to realise how difficult the mother stage is for me because it has always been abandonment for the mothers that carried me before this.
My mother was adopted and for those who can consider the multi layers this would have affected her, it has not been until now have I realised how difficult that has actually been for me too.
You see, my Mum found mothering in particular quite hard. She wasn't the cuddly type mum that I could tell my secrets or hurts too, far from it. She was the domesticated wife, and she was a great Mum that always kept a safe and clean home for the most part. But the major thing that lacked in our home was a deep connection to each other.
I was often told that I was the mother when I was younger. The loneliness I felt from having to step into that role at such a young age. The pain and isolation of feeling like I always had to do something for someone else. And yet I had never considered the deep mark of the mother wound had been left on me.
I often wonder, even though I know from a reasonable perspective, am I enough for my children. AS deep as this hurts to say it outlaid - I say it because it feels so very true to know that I felt that as a child too.
So when we look at any human who has numbed out or dissociated with themselves and disconnect with their body - it comes from a long line of looking at each stage of your map and knowing that you can use this map to help to change not only how you approach things now to benefit yourself
But to also heal
You are not only healing yourself, you are healing your future childen's children and the grandmothers of the past - who were not able to do it with what they had at the time.
AND so this LONG road to self care just didnt start with me
It started many moons ago with my grandmothers
And I am the face of them
Ready to reclaim it
If you are ready to fully understand the deep clarity of your rites of passage and create a map for yourself - just like I have - I invite you to come to the Embodied Feminine Retreat